Bazookas, claymores, and armed UAVs legalized because “if no-gun laws don’t work, then why would no-bazooka laws?”

Lawmakers in Washington have finally come to their senses and decided to legalize bazookas, claymores, and armed UAVs after fully accepting the premise that “criminals don’t care about the law, so the only way to protect ourselves from a person with a gun is with guns of our own.” After all, criminals can get guns, so what’s stopping them from getting an armed UAV? Will a gun help against a psychopath that has an RPG? Starting January, the most enlightened citizens will be able to purchase their very own self-defense bazookas. 

We caught up with a family of bazooka owners and got this response: “We were scared of all the criminals that wouldn’t obey no-bazooka laws, so we bought bazookas ourselves since that was the only way to defend ourselves.”

What we have to remember is that mass shootings happen all the time and it’s not unique to the United States, so there’s nothing we can do, as we can see from the graph below.

See? There’s nothing wrong with the United States; it’s a pink dot like every other country.

The international community has praised the decision.  One notable leader being Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad who stated, “I hope other world leaders now realize that when I buy AK-47s, Dragunov SVDs, chemical weapons, and scud missiles, it’s for strictly defensive purposes and will never fall into the hands of lunatics or crazy homeless dudes.” 

Lawmakers are also making progress towards legalizing PCP because the only thing that’ll outcrazy a guy on PCP is another guy on PCP.