Disaster Information Reporting System to be replaced with the “Play The National Anthem And Kneel System”

The country is enveloped in two controversial events: Hurricane Maria’s devastation in Puerto Rico and NFL players kneeling during the national anthem. The quarrel centers on whether Puerto Rico’s disaster should be eclipsed in attention by NFL players kneeling or some pregnant Kardashian. However, the Disaster Information Reporting System, a central platform for communication during times of crisis, has given up and come up with a compromise by creating the “Play The National Anthem And Kneel System.” The system is straightforward; when experiencing a national disaster or injustice of any kind, simply play the national anthem and start kneeling to get an absurd amount of attention.

We consulted the director of the Disaster Information Reporting System and got this response: “We were promoting awareness for crises that took an enormous toll on our infrastructure and resulted in loss of life, then we realized that no one actually gave a fuck. What people care about is the flag and the national anthem; everything else is shit. People love flags. They’re rectangles and made of fabric. Sometimes they come in different colors. If I wave a flag around really fast, I look like a bird. People also love the national anthem. I can hum it right now. It goes dooo dooo doo doo DOOOOOOO.”