Trump warns Mueller not to touch his favorite Pokémon cards, “When he looks at my Charizard it’s just too far.”

Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian election interference has been escalating, due to events that include an FBI home raid, a grand jury being assigned, enlistment of the IRS, and indictment threats. However, it appears to have plateaued with Mueller looking into Trump’s personal Pokémon card collection.

Trump stated, “If he touches my Raichu, it’s crossing a red line.” We asked Trump how he plans to manage the escalating scandal and got this response, “I have full control of the borders in a Pokémon match. Mueller is weak on board control. Democrats have no board control. They want an open board. We know that. Believe me.”

Trump also told us about his legal strategy should he have to confront Mueller in court, “Mueller has 5 lightweight lawyers. And just so you know, I have Sky Field Stadium competitive Pokémon deck. With it, I will deal a tremendous 30 damage to him and each of his LOSER lawyers; that’s 500 damage. That’s the most damage anyone’s ever done… I think ever.”

Nonetheless, many questions have been raised about the mysterious meeting that occurred in Trump Tower with a suspected Russian spy. Were there fake holographic Charizards? Have the Russians infiltrated our trading card games? When asked for a comment on the meeting, Trump told us “I have the best Pokemon collection around. I know it. Everyone knows it. There are no fake cards, only fake news.”